Baking Bread

I know I am late to the game but I have officially joined the sourdough girlies. I told myself once I was settled in my own place again, I’d make that my first project. Growing a sourdough starter from flour and water felt symbolic in some ways of how little is required to make something great out of nothing. After years of fighting against the stream, I am working to find a balance between chasing the life I want and enjoying the life I have now. I may not have everything I want (or even be aware of all my desires) but there is plenty of good happening right in front of me that I don’t want to miss. I no longer want to put things off for another day in fear of wasting time or simply not knowing if I’ll be somewhere long enough to settle in.

For so long I was trying to catch the next thing that was supposed to make me smarter/stronger/richer. I thought if I just kept pushing I’d get everything I wanted. And for the most part, I did. Retrospectively, those goals I kept hitting weren’t even what I really wanted. They were goals you hear other people talk about and you start to think that is the only way, even if it isn’t what you may have imagined for yourself. Don’t get me wrong, I am still so proud I was able to even get that far but once I got to the next thing on my list, it fell flat - no real joy, just mostly a sense of relief. That the journey was over and maybe now I will feel more capable/worthy/qualified. 

But then that foundation started to crack and I got caught up in feeling like I had to take care of my family. I dropped everything to run back and attempt to carry them on my way back up. As if my life depended on it, I abandoned myself to make sure they were taken care of thinking if I succeeded, I would somehow be “taken care of” too. Only now do I see how flawed that logic is. I don’t know if I subconsciously thought I was unworthy of having a better life than they did or that it was my responsibility to take care of them, but when you grow up learning love is conditional and that other people’s happiness was directly correlated with your own behavior, you start believing you have to show up they way other people need you to be, regardless of what may feel right for you. Maybe it was the fear of acting on the dreams I had for myself. I even allowed myself to think that if this is what my life had come to, maybe this is what I deserve. That all I was good for was to take care of other people and my dreams were just too big for someone like me.

To give myself some grace, I was struggling with learning how to care for an aging parent at the same time as questioning my entire existence in this world as an adult. Big Saturn return vibes over here. The compounding lessons I was forced to learn in this season of life have been heavier than expected. Even now that I can clearly see the way out, it is hard to lay them to rest. To be soft enough to submit to the weight and move on, without continuing to use it as an excuse to not move forward. 

It actually isn’t my responsibility to make sure everyone is ok. 

I don’t have to adjust my life to be more available to other people. 

Setting boundaries may upset some people, and that’s ok. 

Building a life you love living is more important than reaching any other goal on any arbitrary list.

Now that I am finding myself on the other side of these lessons with the space to reconnect to myself, it is time to release what was and embrace where I am right now. Getting right with myself after losing my sense of self will be an uphill battle but doing simple things like baking bread from scratch feel like small victories in trusting myself and feeling at home in my new space.

One thing that never changed was my vision for what Homie is to transform into. There were times when I felt like maybe I should let this go if I couldn’t fully commit. But then an order would come through out of the blue. (This has happened twice after I said I was shutting down the website on two separate occasions.) The concept has stuck with me through all the moments I never thought I’d live through these last few years. When the dark clouds felt like they’d never clear, I would close my eyes and dream about what I could do with this vision in my head. 

It is my dream to build a brand that you can feel. A place for the homies - the people who find comfort and solace in their personal spaces. I know there are plenty of places to shop but they’re all lacking the warmth of a home well lived in. No more generic home goods in sterile spaces when shopping to create intentional, grounded spaces. I always say my favorite compliment is when someone says my house is “homie”, and if that is the gift the universe is asking me to share with all of you then that is what I am going to do. 

Living in flow > pushing against closed doors. The reintroduction of Let’s Get Homie coming soon…